Good girl

He said, “I know it’s stupid to ask ‘why are you depressed?’ but why do you think you are depressed?” He doesn’t know a thing. He’s twenty years old and he thinks he knows how to make me come. But then again, men of all ages have thought they could make me come.

“I don’t know, I’ll have to ask Dr. G on Tuesday I guess.” I look into the dark and try to make out your face.

It’s because of ____. It’s because of you. It’s because of ____, because of the Truman and because of my waist size.

But none of them knows a thing. He looks at the cuts on my thighs and he says, “Good, this time I left marks here instead of on your neck.” He doesn’t know that last time after the marks faded I took the razor to my collarbone. He thinks I got wet from hickeys to my shoulder but he doesn’t know a thing.

“We’re so fucking close right now I can look into your soul.” He thinks fucking means a thing.

He thinks fucking means a thing to me. But he doesn’t know anything. He’s twenty years old and he’s never been tested for an STD. I’m twenty-one and I get tested every month. But I would get tested a million more times if I could have you inside me again. His mouth is dry on my skin, but your tongue glistens on my cunt.

You were so embarrassed to have come unexpectedly. I wanted to make you come a million more times. “I have great self-control.” He doesn’t know a thing about losing control intimately.

He choked me and made me gag. He thinks I love to suck cock but he doesn’t know that you didn’t let me touch you three months ago tonight because, “Tonight is all about you.” I have bruises on my wrists because I know everything about this rawness in my pussy. If someone ever loves me gently I will not believe them because when I believed you, you hurt me more than four fingers with no lube.

I let them, because they know. They know that if I’m not good enough for you at least I’m good for fucking. That’s how I always have been.

Iris Zhang, October15


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